Learning How to Say No and Set Boundaries with Parents
Setting boundaries with parents starts with knowing which requests you can't compromise on. Anchor every "no" to safety, health, or education, state it once, offer a choice where one exists, and end the conversation on your terms. Consistency matters more than the wording you pick, and a boundary set early is easier to hold than one improvised mid-meeting.
No other time in my 23 years of education has it been harder to say "no" to people. We want to be pleasers and support all our stakeholders as much as possible, but sometimes there's a limit to what we can do.
What I have found interesting is that now more than ever, the answer "no" isn't something a lot of people are willing to accept.
I first thought it must be my job, or my level of influence. I thought…Am I losing my influence? I even wondered whether it was specific to the region where I live. Then I started listening to others in education. There's a pattern here that's irrefutable, and it didn't stop when the pandemic did.
How we live every day was affected by the people around us like no other time in history… Can you remember a period more rife with conflict and controversy than the pandemic years? I'd put wars and armed conflicts at the top of that list, but the tragedy of that stretch felt even more amplified.
What's different?
I believe access to instant information, as well as a platform for anyone to voice their opinion, made the pandemic more controversial than other historical events. Imagine this: what would Americans have posted on social media platforms during the Vietnam War?
This controversy showed up in school settings across the nation. People weren't accepting "no" as an answer. Many were willing to do just about anything to change a person's mind, and were relentless about getting their way.
I do want you to know, I seldom use the word "no." In fact, I am all about compromise, and in my job that is my number one strategy when I "go to solution."
The concept of "going to solution," or the art of compromise, was first introduced to me by a professional development provider. He had developed a philosophy built on Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory, which he calls High Trust Thinking ®. In addition, he created a way of thinking, talking, and acting built on what he calls Trust Psychology ®. Dennis "Denny" McLoughlin (www.hightrust.net) goes further into how society is infatuated with admiring the problem and not using that energy to solve it. He believes the faster you can "go to solution," the healthier you are when dealing with problems.
The Three Standards Behind Every "No"
There are times when I cannot compromise, and I must say "no." There are really only three standards I live by in my personal code, and everything usually connects back to them. We act and do things for safety, for health, or for education. If you think about it, most everything falls into one of these three standards. Let's dig into that.
"No" for Their Safety
If something is unsafe, you must say "no." How you say "no" may look and sound different in a multitude of ways, but in the end, you want the action or behavior to stop, end, or not even get started. Here are some examples:
- For safety, buses will not run today because of the weather.
- For safety, you may carry the scissors with the blades down.
- For safety, you may play on that side of the playground due to the ice buildup.
"No" for Their Health
Moral judgments come into play every day as an educator. What each of us thinks is "healthy" can be debated. When you tell someone "no" because you are worried for their health, you are, in essence, setting a standard. It is hard to refute risking your health, and here are some examples:
- For your health, you may wash your hands before you eat.
- For your health, you may brush your teeth at least once a day.
- For your health and others' health, you may cover your mouth when you sneeze.
"No" for Their Education
We spend four to five years getting a degree; many of us then continue to obtain more education with a master's degree and possibly more. Like doctors and lawyers, this education should hold some credence when we diagnose, plan, and implement a new intervention or strategy to support a student on their learning pathway.
- Follow your school or district's device policy, including any required student accommodations or exceptions.
- For your education, meeting with me one-on-one for the next two weeks will support your learning.
- For this student's education, I recommended face-to-face instruction for their advanced placement courses. The right format depends on the student and the programs available.
Steps to Increase Your "No" Toolbox
"When we're in tough rumbles with people, we can't take responsibility for their emotions. They're allowed to be pissed or sad or surprised or elated. But if their behaviors are not okay, we set the boundaries: I know this is a tough conversation. Being angry is okay. Yelling is not okay. I know we're tired and stressed. This has been a long meeting. Being frustrated is okay. Interrupting people and rolling your eyes is not okay. I appreciate the passion around these different opinions and ideas. The emotion is okay. Passive-aggressive comments and put-downs are not okay."
Brown, Brené. Dare to Lead (p. 68). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Brené Brown says it best, and we must lean into these hard conversations. Here are ten more strategies you can use when saying "no!"
1. Recap, Next Steps, and End of Your Terms!
A strategy I've used most of my administrative career follows a simple format. I recap what the person said, which is a good chance to clear up anything I've misunderstood. Then I lay out next steps, even if they aren't what the person wants. Then I end the meeting on my terms. Here are words I've used often:
"Thank you for your time and thoughts regarding this situation. My hope is that even though we may disagree, and you may be unhappy with the outcome, we can still move forward in a positive way for your child's benefit."
2. Less is Best
Many educators get into a larger predicament when they keep talking, rationalizing, and providing more examples. That tends to upset the person more, because they're looking for holes in your reasoning. Give them a flaw, and they'll exploit it. Yes, we must give a rationale for our decisions, and you may have to repeat it. But once we deviate from the plan, the situation usually gets worse. Be strong. Use this mantra: "Less is best, the best is less said!"
3. Define the Problem, Discuss Multiple Solutions, Offer Choice!
When talking to a parent, define the problem so you both understand what happened. Then discuss solutions you can live with as an administrator. The parent may not love any of them, but you're offering a choice in how to solve it, and people feel more empowered when they have one. Dictate the solution instead, and you raise the odds of disagreement and lingering resentment. This goes back to Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory.
4. Listen to Understand and not to Immediately Respond
One of the hardest strategies I've had to learn is "listening to understand, and not listening to immediately respond." When I listen in order to respond, I'm just waiting for the person to stop talking, often without understanding what they said. Slowing down and repeating it back is a powerful move right before I use the word "no."
5. Agree On What Can be Agreed Upon
Finding common ground is powerful when two people disagree. Look for what both parties can agree on and use it to build trust. Reiterate every point of agreement, which may outnumber the disagreements four to one. That makes stating your final decision easier.
6. Proactively Build Relationship
As an administrator, the most time-consuming but fruitful task I found was not just creating strong relationships with parents and community members, but sustaining them. The great administrators understand what that does for their own mental health and for the success of every student and staff member. It's time well spent.
When you have a relationship with families, you can have hard conversations and use the word "no." And alongside those conversations, you'd better be celebrating students too. No parent wants to hear from the principal only when their kid does something wrong. There are plenty of ways to build these relationships. Find what fits your personality.
7. Offer "Next Person Up" Strategy
Many districts have complaint or grievance procedures that identify where particular concerns should begin and how they can be escalated. Some concerns do belong at a higher level from the start. But when those procedures are bypassed without cause, the answer "no" gets more volatile. A teacher says "no," the parent jumps straight to a board member, and respect for the process erodes.
There comes a time when you can't resolve the issue, and the person wants a supervisor. Give that supervisor advance notice. Getting blindsided by a parent degrades their relationship with you, and a quick heads-up gives them background before they step in.
8. Proactively Set Time Limits on Meetings
Sometimes a meeting runs well past its allotted time and you know, in the back of your mind, that this isn't the best use of your time or the district's money. I guard my time and stay away from frivolous conflicts. I give time to anyone who wants to meet, but I'm constantly prioritizing it in my head.
Proactively set time limits on the phone or in your face-to-face meetings. Let them know if we can't come to a solution in this time frame, we may have to reschedule for another time. I use verbiage such as…
"I have meetings scheduled on both sides of our meeting. If we need more time, we can reschedule, but your concern is important to me, and I want to give it the time it deserves."
The relationship I have with my secretary is vital. If a meeting runs long, she has the word to come in and interrupt, and I reassess whether to keep going or reschedule. If a conversation is heading south, I send her a thumbs-down emoji. She comes in with an urgent concern I need to address, and I decide whether we end it there or reschedule.
9. Email, Phone, and Face-to-Face Strategy
In a continuum of effective communication, email is the least effective, followed by the phone. I hope we can all agree that the best communication, much like teaching and learning, is in person.
One of the email rules I have for myself and my staff is the "Two Paragraph Rule." When an email runs longer than two paragraphs, I recommend calling or setting up a meeting instead. I've seen too many lengthy emails get misconstrued and the intent lost. Email is efficient, and it documents the date, time, and exact words said, which matters. But without body language or tone, it's the weakest mode we have. Text messages are about as (in)effective, even though emojis can sometimes help clear things up!
Phone calls are next in line. You can read tone and react to the words a parent chooses, but you lose body language and proximity. Empathy and compassion come across far more easily in person, where you can read body language and adjust your distance along with your words.
Face to face is the most effective, but there are only so many hours in a day. Good administrators use a mix of email, text, phone, and in-person meetings, and stay tuned to how they're adjusting tone, proximity, and word choice as they go. Zoom or Google Meet beats a phone call and still falls well short of a room, in my view.
10. Set Expectations Up Front
One strategy educators can use to their advantage is setting clear expectations before the meeting even starts. Don't be afraid to name your standards and your boundaries. Tell the person up front what the meeting is going to look and sound like…
"When we meet, we will be able to have a positive and constructive conversation. I have meetings scheduled on both sides of our meeting, but I want to make sure we meet as soon as we can because both our time is valuable. If we need more time, we may set up another appointment. You will have time to explain your situation. I may not have a solution today, but I promise to get back to you as soon as I can."
During the meeting, reiterate your expectations. Adhere to them. If the conversation gets heated and profanity is used, try one of the three strategies below.
What To Do When Saying "No" Gets a Heated Reaction
Unfortunately, we have all been there when expletives and aggressive statements and even movements or gestures come from someone unsatisfied with the boundaries you set. Here are three strategies to use when "No" is not accepted and the meeting gets heated.
1. When Proactively Setting Expectations Isn't Working
If you've set expectations and the person isn't adhering to them, try a warning first…
"We can continue this conversation as long as we speak respectfully to one another, and it is constructive. If you chose to use profanity or you chose to be disrespectful, you then chose to end this conversation. We can speak at a later time when the tone and words are more respectful and constructive."
If it continues after the warning, I go straight to strategy three and end the meeting. I tell the parent I'm preparing to hang up or leave, because I won't keep listening to profanity and aggression.
Yes, I have left a parent in my office after feeling threatened. I then contacted our Student Resource Officer to let them know of the event. I went into another employee's office to make the call.
2. Proactively Bring in Support Before You Start
When I know a meeting is going to be difficult and possibly unpredictable, I bring my secretary in. I tell the person in advance that she'll be taking notes to get both of our words right, and I have her read parts of the conversation back so I understand it fully in real time. When people get frustrated, including me, words get forgotten or misconstrued. Having a second person who stays calm and takes notes also keeps it from becoming a "he said versus she said" situation. Before you add anyone to a meeting or create records about a student or family, follow your district's privacy, student-record, meeting-documentation, and personnel procedures. Depending on the issue, a second administrator or another appropriate staff member may be the better choice.
3. Reschedule or End the Meeting
When a conversation is no longer respectful or constructive, it's time to end the meeting. As an educator, you don't have to sit and endure profanity or aggressive behavior. Threats, harassment, or conduct that creates a safety risk may implicate state or local law. Follow district safety procedures and involve law enforcement when appropriate.
Even though I have won several national and state awards, this HAS happened to me, and I have had to end meetings. As an administrator of fourteen years, I have had to contact police and even had to have a police presence in my school, office, or meeting a handful of times. In serious situations, administrators may need to pursue campus-access restrictions through applicable district procedures and law.
After I have given the parent or a community member the warning that I am going to end this meeting if the behavior continues, here are the words I use next…and, it does help to practice these words before you ever have to use them..
"Mr. ___/Mrs.___, you choose to continue to use profanity and be disrespectful, that means you have chosen to end this meeting."
I then end the phone call, or I get up from my desk and leave on my own terms.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you set boundaries with parents at the start of the school year?
Setting boundaries with parents works best when you name them before anyone needs them. Put your contact hours, your expected response window, and how you prefer to be reached in a welcome letter or a back-to-school night handout, and send the same information by email for families who can't attend. A boundary introduced as routine policy in August rarely reads as a personal rejection in February.
Do teachers have to answer parent emails after hours?
Contract language varies by district, so check your own before you commit to anything. What you can control is the expectation you set: state a response window, such as one school day, and hold to it. Answering a 10 p.m. email at 10 p.m. teaches families that 10 p.m. works, and that expectation is harder to walk back than it was to set.
What do you do when a parent goes over your head to a board member?
Get to your supervisor first. Follow your district's applicable complaint or grievance procedure, which will identify where a particular concern should begin and how it can be escalated. If a parent is heading upward anyway, brief the next person up before the call lands so they walk in with context instead of being blindsided.
Can you end a meeting with a parent who is being verbally abusive?
If a meeting becomes abusive or unsafe, follow your school's safety procedures. Depending on the circumstances, that may include ending the meeting, documenting the incident, notifying administration or security, or contacting law enforcement. Ending a meeting is not a failure to communicate; it's a boundary being enforced.
- Anchor the "no" to a standard - Safety, health, or education covers almost every request worth declining, and naming the standard moves the conversation off your personal preference.
- Say less, not more - Extra explanations give the other person more surface to argue with. State the rationale once and repeat it rather than expanding it.
- Offer a choice inside the boundary - Glasser's Choice Theory holds up here: people accept an outcome they helped select far more readily than one handed to them.
- Set expectations before the meeting starts - Time limits, tone, and next steps are easier to establish up front than to impose once a conversation has turned.
- You can end it - Profanity and threats are not part of the job. If a meeting becomes abusive or unsafe, follow your school's safety procedures.
Handling a hostile parent conference is administrator work, and most teachers pick it up on the job without ever being taught it. Some educational leadership programs are designed to meet state-specific preparation requirements for principal or other administrator credentials. Prospective students should verify that a program meets the requirements of the state where they intend to work. The sponsored programs listed on this page include online and part-time formats built for people already teaching full time.
As a 5th grade teacher, in 2010 Jon won the Presidential Award for Elementary Math and Science Teaching (PAEMST). As a principal, his school won the 2012 Blue Ribbon Award. In 2018, he won the National Distinguished Principal Award (NDP). In 2019 he won the National No Kid Hungry Breakfast Hero Award.
Jon is the author of three guides published on teacher.org: An Educator's Guide to Combat Bullying & Bully Prevention; Teacher Evaluation: A Transition Guide to Exemplary Performance; and You are the Wild Card: Infusing Fun Back into Curriculum. He has authored a children's picture book that was released January 2019 titled Benjamin’s Visit to Principal Reads Office…again! (available at www.archwaypublishing.com)
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