When Special Education Teachers Get Married
Step parenting a child with special needs means joining a family mid-story, learning a diagnosis you didn't grow up with, and giving up the just-us time you expected. This is one special education teacher's honest account of marrying into it, including what helped and what nobody warned her about.
Last Saturday was a glorious day here in northeastern Arkansas. The breeze was steady but light, the sun was shining after what seemed to be endless days of drizzly rain, and the temperature was in the low seventies after days of chilly 40-degree temperatures. It was, in fact, a beautiful day for a wedding. The sun was shining, the air was clean, the pollen was low, and the hopes were high.
How We Got Here, Thirty-Eight Years Later
Thirty-eight years ago, a boy decided he wanted to marry me. The only caveat to that is that he never shared that information with the bride-me! Together as pals in our tenth-grade Math class in our stereotypical Midwestern high school, my guy made sure I was successful in Math. My mother had made it crystal clear that if I received anything lower than a B- on my report card, I would be grounded for the duration of six weeks. Six weeks is a social death sentence to the likes of a high school sophomore, and to spare me such a fate, my guy did my homework and tried his best to help me understand everything the teacher was trying to teach me. It was a mighty task, indeed.
But my guy decided to share with his best friend that he wanted to ask me out on a date. Being a competitive sort, the friend decided to ask me out first…and I accepted…and we dated for the duration of our high school career, permanently placing my guy in the dreaded Friend Zone.
Fast forward many years to 2015 when I applied to all southern states in which I knew at least one person. Seeking a life change and an escape from the winters in Michigan, I had narrowly missed the southern hiring season by a month, but a school in Arkansas called and flew me to their location for an interview; I was hired. The one person I knew here was my guy. We'd remained in loose contact over the years, and when it was time to find a home, he helped me find one-and it was right next door to his own. As I got settled into my new home and job, my guy offered to make dinner for me one night, and I gratefully accepted. He then decided to share with me the story of how he'd wanted to ask me out, how his friend had beaten him to the punch, and how he had vowed that if he'd ever have the opportunity to invite me out on a date, he was going to do it quickly…and he did!
Finally, on St. Patrick's Day 2018, it was a day to celebrate our joint Scotch-Irish heritage and tie the knot-literally-in an age-old tradition called a hand-fasting ceremony from which the saying comes. (If you are a fan of the movie Braveheart, you'll have seen the ceremony performed.)
It was a precious day for My Guy (who has now earned capital letters) and me.
Meeting My Pal
But lemme tell ya, the path to our knot-tying was not necessarily an easy one for me. Not gonna lie.
Keep in mind that I am a proud Special Education Teacher and an advocate for all children, especially those who are underserved by the education system to which their parents have either entrusted them or into which they have been dumped by parents or caregivers who are looking for a day-time babysitter. In any case or means by which these sweet babies come to me, I am a tigress on their behalf. I will-and have-as the saying goes, go to the mattresses for my kids, and so when I learned that My Guy's youngest son has Down syndrome, there was never a question that he would be a part of my circle of protection into which anyone with disabilities or vulnerabilities is automatically placed. Some people call it a compassionate nature. I call it How Everyone Should Be.
Initially, time with My Pal was fun. We were getting to know each other and building a rapport. My Guy is a paramedic and would ask me to keep My Pal during his overnight shifts at work. Since we lived next door to each other, it was a great setup for My Pal. I could take him to his day program on my way to work, and then we could hang out after our school days. As My Guy and I became more and more serious in our relationship and the newness of the getting-to-know-you period had worn off, My Pal began to think of me as a parental figure…and then the fun began.
Because My Guy's mother is not a presence in his life, My Guy did everything both a mother and a father would do. As I saw the exhaustion taking a toll, I'd offer him opportunities for respite-I'd chase him off to go fishing, to go to a movie, to take naps…whatever. More and more, he would tell me that he wanted US to go do those things, and eventually, when we moved in together, it became clear that our lives would revolve around My Pal.
Not gonna lie. I was hoping for a lot more "Just Us" time.
Nope.
For our family, just-us time became much harder to find.
Eventually I got quite frustrated having to constantly have My Pal around. There were no times for My Guy and me to have a simple, intimate evening at home to enjoy a quiet dinner and movie on the couch without a constant interruption by someone who needed us to know something, who was concerned about the rainstorms, who was worried about the dark, who didn't like the color of his bedspread, who didn't want to go to his day program the next day, who wanted this kind of a sandwich in his lunchbox instead of the kind you made him, who would pretend to not hear what I had said, who ignored me, who told his dad I did things I had not done, whose chronic, significant needs were, quite honestly, taxing to this Special Education Teacher's brain after a long day of educating and advocating for…Special Needs kids.
It didn't take long for me to feel the shame. I began to seek out family groups in my area for special needs families. The groups had either fizzled, faded, or faltered out of existence or were three hours from our home. Internet searches yielded nothing relating to step-parenting special needs people from an HONEST perspective. I didn't want fluff. I didn't want inspirational quotes. I didn't want to know there were crowns in Heaven waiting for me. I wanted someone to help me navigate the murky, muddy waters of what felt like a river pulling me under, and there was no rope tied off to a tree on the bank…and I was drowning in the current.
The Practical Work Nobody Sees
I'm a Special Education Teacher for Pete's sake! I should KNOW how to do this!! But I don't. I humbly submit myself to the ranks of those who have chosen to love a person who comes with another person…two loves for the price of one!
More than once, I was asked, "Are you going to leave me?" More than once, I didn't think I would, but then a lurking second thought would rear its head…one that I thought I'd settled in my head but, like a Whack-a-Mole, would keep popping up. It wasn't a case of Can You Do This? It was a case of Do You Want To Commit the Rest of Your Life Doing This?
Without disclosing too much about My Pal, there were certain issues which required trips to the doctor. When evaluations revealed certain opportunities for support, My Guy had to be shown all the reasons why there would be benefits for My Pal following the prescribed path. Figuring out a means and method of communication was another obstacle which My Pal and I had to overcome. Creating routines and schedules was often met with resistance by My Pal, but only because a female in his life, one who was a consistent presence, was not part of his norm. The poor kid didn't stand a chance when he encountered the likes of me, a firm believer in what routines and schedules had done for my own students. What individual people with Down syndrome need varies a great deal, and I can only speak to what worked here. For My Pal, a predictable schedule turned out to make the days easier for all three of us. Chores were another stumbling block for My Pal. He didn't love them; he needed to learn personal care skills like folding and putting away his laundry, making his bed, keeping his room organized, loading and emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, helping in the yard, helping with cleaning day tasks, learning to pack his own lunch with simple, no-cook healthy food choices, and a bathing routine which didn't involve flooding the bathroom. My Guy had done a fantastic job prior to my entrée into their lives, but sometimes fresh eyes and a propensity toward organization can create an even greater peace in the home-ONCE the routines have been established. Getting there can take a lot of consistency and reinforcing good behaviors along with adjusting behaviors which are not in line with the goal.
The Friends Who Talked Me Through It
My Really Smart Friend Dawn (a respected Speech Pathologist and Compliance Officer in St. Joseph, MO School District) told me that it is our job to love our children as wholly and completely as we can and sometimes that love has to look a little less warm and fuzzy than our kids would like it to look, but it's okay if we do it calmly and with an appropriateness. Yep. She is right. My Pal would say it was not always warm and fuzzy in the household!
My Best Friend Forever, Lynn, has a son with Cerebral Palsy and Autism. He is non-verbal and awesome. This young man has brightened the lives of everyone he knows, and with his stubborn nature (he truly gets it from his mother), he fought hard as an infant and against all the odds, and is a rock star Third Grader in the frozen tundra of Michigan. Lynn has been my Shoulder To Cry On during my adjustment into Life As a Special Needs Parent, and because of her status as Best Friend, she has the safety net of knowing that no matter what, she can be honest with me even when she knows it will hurt. I cannot even count how many times I have had her on the phone while dealing with a situation with My Pal, and she is counseling me on how to proceed. Bar none, she is right. Every. Single. Time. She just knows how to deescalate situations…why? Because she's been doing it longer than me. I may also be stubborn, but I DO know when to call in reinforcements and when to accept the advice of those more experienced.
Again, not gonna lie. There were times when I contemplated throwing in the towel. I guess My Guy must have known when those days were happening for me because in his very intuitive way, he would tell me that he is always proud of the way I never back down from a challenge or how pleased he is for My Pal to finally have a mother figure in his life who he knows will not leave him. While he may not always agree with me in the minutiae, he is always supportive of me in front of My Pal, and yes, there have been arguments about methodologies and the like, but in the end, we're both in agreement over the big stuff.
Respite Care, and the Community That Isn't There
There's not a tremendous amount of respite care provided for our family; we are uncomfortable shipping My Pal off to a place where we do not know those folks providing care. We do have occasional evenings out where we hire a few trusted folks from within our church and community, but overall, we spend a ton of time together. Some other families I've talked to describe something similar, though I've heard the opposite too. What respite is available depends on where you live, which disability-services system you're in, whether you qualify, and what's funded that year. The same goes for extended family. Ours are often too busy to offer the kind of support that gives us a break, and I know families whose relatives step in constantly.
Straddling the fence, I see now that there is a tremendous need for step-parents of people with special needs to find-or build-community with others. I'm not really seeing a huge network of us out there, but if you are a member of one, PLEASE share with me so I can forward it to others! I also understand how spending a weekend with someone with special needs is a daunting idea to those who do not have a background in or association with a person with special needs. It can be scary for some folks to even consider-let's not lie to each other on this point.
Saying Yes
It has taken a lot of soul-searching to get to the place where I could Say Yes To the Dress and say YES to My Guy and to My Pal. I'm no spring chicken, so to speak. I do worry about My Pal outliving My Guy and me. We've made legal provision for his care, but gee whiz…it's another undiscussed reality amongst the I Don't Have This In My Life So I Don't Really Think About It set of people. I do worry that I won't get the Me Time to which I was accustomed before becoming a Missus. I DO worry that I am not patient enough. I DO worry that I'm not always as cheerful or as kind as I could be because for the 43rd time, My Pal has had a potty accident at the grocery store. I DO worry that I won't ever travel again because the places I like to go are not the same places My Pal likes to go, and so essentially, I am giving up a significant piece of who I am-a traveler. A person who enjoys the quiet. A person who doesn't worry.
Then I realize that I am a Special Education Teacher. It is innate in my nature to do what is best for those who are more vulnerable and who cannot do for themselves because that is my calling.
As I walked down the sidewalk toward my handsome, loving, amazing Guy, everything I had experienced or thought about did whirl around in my head, and while I never wavered from wanting to make a lifelong commitment, I did realize that I was about to become the only mother My Pal has in his life. That is a huge responsibility…and personally, I think it's equally as important as becoming the wife of My Guy-the one who so patiently waited for me since 1980.
I could look at this knot-tying with a beautiful symbolic rope as a symbol of losing a lot of myself. Instead, I choose to look at it as a weaving together of life's threads which are too numerous to count and which, when braided into one single rope, cause the whole to be stronger than ever imagined. Yes, there might be sections which fray along the way as the years go by, but because it is a strong whole, the rope remains intact. So will our little family.
Related IEP Readings
- What Part of the IEP Process Is the Most Frustrating for You as a Special Education Teacher?
- When Special Education Teachers Get Sick
- Parent Participation at the IEP Team Meeting
- 9 Questions to Tackle in Demonstrating Knowledge of Your Students
- Get OUT of the BOX! Our Kids Aren't Succeeding
- 4 Terms for Translating Behavioral Jargon
- Individual Education Plan Goals: The Heart of It All
Frequently Asked Questions
Where can a step-parent of a child with a disability actually find support?
Start with your state's Parent Training and Information Center. Every state has at least one, funded under Part D of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, and they answer questions from families at no cost. Local chapters of The Arc and, for families like this one, affiliate groups listed by the National Down Syndrome Congress and the National Down Syndrome Society tend to be the closest thing to an in-person community. Your school district may also run a special education parent advisory group, which is often the fastest way to meet other families in your own town.
Does a step-parent have any say in a stepchild's IEP?
Sometimes, but the test is not simply whether you live together. The federal definition of "parent" in the IDEA regulations does name stepparents, as one example of a person acting in the place of a biological or adoptive parent, but it applies to a stepparent who is legally responsible for the child's welfare. Living in the same home is part of the picture, not the whole of it. IDEA also has rules for deciding who acts as the "parent" when more than one person qualifies, so a stepparent's standing can depend on what a court has ordered and on who else is in the picture. Ask the district's special education office how they apply it to your situation before an Individualized Education Program meeting, not during one.
What about medical and legal decisions?
Those are separate from the IEP question, and they are governed by state law. Marriage alone generally does not give a step-parent authority to consent to medical treatment or to sign legal documents for a stepchild. Adoption, court-appointed guardianship, and a written authorization from the biological parent are different mechanisms rather than interchangeable options, and whether any of them is available to you, how far it extends, and what the process involves all depend on your state's law and on the stepchild's age and decision-making capacity. Ask a family law attorney in your state rather than assuming, particularly if the stepchild is approaching adulthood, when the questions change again.
Is it normal to resent losing couple time?
It's common enough that the author of this essay, a trained special education teacher, felt it and then felt ashamed of feeling it. Naming it is not the same as resenting the person. If the feeling is persistent and you're running out of ways to manage it, a counselor who works with caregivers or blended families is a reasonable place to take it, and so is a respite arrangement you actually trust.
- Step-parents come in mid-story - You weren't there for the diagnosis, the first evaluations, or the years of research, and catching up is real work rather than a matter of good intentions.
- The just-us time may not come back - Expecting it and grieving it are both normal. Planning around the family you actually have works better than waiting for a version that isn't coming.
- Professional training doesn't exempt you - A special education teacher can know every strategy and still struggle at home, because home has no bell schedule and no end of shift.
- Your legal standing depends on the details - IEP participation may be available to a step-parent living in the home, while medical and legal authority usually requires a separate step. Ask before you need the answer.
- Find one honest person - The author's steadiest support was a friend further along the same road who would tell her the truth. That mattered more than any group she couldn't find.
Much of what steadied this family came from the author's training as a special education teacher, not from instinct alone. If that kind of work pulls at you, the special education programs listed on this page include online and hybrid formats, and several are built for people who already hold a degree in another field. Verify that the program meets special education teacher certification/licensure requirements in the state where you intend to teach.
- The Pros and Cons of Being a Principal: An Honest Look - July 29, 2021
- Special Needs Prom: How One Student Led His School’s Grand March - April 20, 2021
- Behavior Management Training for Teachers: What to Ask For - October 9, 2020
