8 Teacher Tips for Students From Divorced Families
Teaching students from divorced families means managing two households, not one. Follow school policy and any court or custody orders on file when communicating with parents, and provide educational information to each parent who is legally entitled to receive it. Route ambiguous custody documents to administration, and hold separate conferences when parents can't share a room.
You will teach students from separated and divorced families every year of your career. The share is smaller than the old "half of all marriages" line suggests, and the national divorce rate has actually been falling for decades, but that changes nothing about your Tuesday. Family structures are more varied than they used to be, and the ones that arrive at school already in conflict take up a disproportionate amount of a teacher's week. Hopefully families can work together to find what's best for the kids, even though there can be contentious and difficult situations.
Communication becomes difficult from a teacher's standpoint when communication breaks down in divorced families. In fact, teachers are sometimes thrown into the battle between mom and dad. They want us to take sides. We try to remain unbiased, not to choose sides. It does become difficult, sometimes, to stand our ground when we see what's happening to our students.
Some families fight over everything, and the school can become a battleground. They battle over when students are to be picked up when the custody changes. They can even battle over what is packed in their lunches or who is paying for school lunch. Homework and other information can cause difficulties, especially when a student transitions midweek to the other parental figure. In order to have a successful parent-teacher conference, we sometimes have to meet separately with mom and dad.
Some students may experience behavioral, emotional, attendance, or academic changes during a family transition, and teachers often implement strategies to support them through it. Some parents have difficulties visiting the school at the same time, and a plan must be put in place by the administration. Transitions between homes seem to be the most prevalent struggle for families, especially with regard to the student who has to acclimate themselves to the different rules and expectations. Unfortunately, when all else breaks down, the appropriate state or local child protective services agency may become involved in supporting the family and the school.
Here are eight tips and strategies teachers can use to support divorced families and avoid making school a battleground.
1 - Tracking Lunches/Lunch Money: Ensuring Students Have Proper Nutrition
We try not to pass judgment on any family and work with all parties in order to put the student first.
When both lunches and lunch money become a problem, we must have some words and strategies we can use to take the stress off of the student. At times, students internalize the strife between parents over their lunch problems. This is obviously an adult problem and an adult failure.
Sometimes the lunch that is brought to school by the student is inadequate from one or both parents. Sometimes the parent is responsible for packing it, while other students pack their own lunch. We usually don't make this an issue until we see a pattern.
Students with lackluster lunches are not getting the proper nutrition they need in order to be successful.
For example, if one parent is letting their kid pack Mountain Dew and Flaming Cheetos every day, you may want to have a conversation. Another example is when there isn't nutritious food in the home, and the student brings marshmallows and crackers. Both of these examples are based on true stories.
When a teacher or administrators make the call home to both parents, this can cause a fight between parents, and unfortunately, we may have to step in to support.
We can offer support through a food pantry, suggested lunch items, nutritional guidelines handout, and even offering financial support with school lunches. Every school has dietary guidelines that require certain types of food to be offered to students. Sometimes parents are too proud to sign up for free or reduced-cost lunch programs. We must support them in taking away this stigma and having them fill out the paperwork. We may even have to fill out the paperwork with them. We know that proper nutrition is directly connected to better behavior and academic success.
Some teachers and administrators may shy away from having these conversations, ultimately saying it is something not under their control. As an educator, I would argue that point. We have these students in classrooms for six to eight hours a day, and we must make sure their basic needs are being met in order for them to learn. Letting mom or dad know that you will work with them helps them understand that nutrition is important.
2 - Managing On-time Arrival and Dismissal
When divorced families have difficulties with arrival and dismissal, teachers and administrators may need to step in or step up and support families. When parents are fighting, transitions between the homes can affect both drop-off and pick-up. Some divorce decrees do not specifically state the day or time that transitions between households occur, and that may affect us in school. Undefined school transition times make it much harder for parents and the school to hold everyone accountable.
Unfortunately, students get caught in the middle of this by showing up tardy, and at times even being absent for the day.
Educators can look for patterns in students' arrival time, as well as when they are being picked up. A few minutes a day does not sound like much until you total it across a school year, which is the version of the math that tends to land with parents.
| Minutes late per day | Instructional time lost per year |
|---|---|
| 2 minutes | About 1 full school day |
| 10 minutes | About 1 full school week |
| 20 minutes | About 2 school weeks |
Based on a 180-day school year and a six-hour instructional day.
Letters, emails, and face-to-face conversations with parents can help with this. We know that one of the best deterrents for tardy behavior is a strong teacher relationship with both the student and the parent.
Dismissal and pick up may also be an issue for divorced families. Parents trying to get off work and deciding who is picking up the student are the two most prevalent responses when parents are questioned regarding tardiness at dismissal. Many times a student's tardiness is due to a parent, and it is out of the student's control. When working with the family, educators will need to include some type of plan that can be agreed upon by all stakeholders.
Here are several ideas that can be used for managing arrival and dismissal. You may choose more than one to implement depending on the situation.
- Student-parent-teacher contract/compact
- MTSS/RtI plan (Multi-Tiered Systems of Support and Response to Intervention Plan)
- Incentivizing on-time behavior
- Phone call home when successful
- Data tracking: time missed/days tardy
- Include the RtI or MTSS team
- Parent-Teacher conference
- Purchase an alarm clock and teach the student how to use it (buy one for the parent, also)
- Proactive phone call before school starts, or before dismissal
- Principal picks student up (use in emergency situations or rarely)
- Before or after school daycare program
3 - Facilitating Parent Conferences and Mediation Sessions
Educators like to be able to give the same message to parents on a student's progress both academically and socially. A divorced family may make a request for separate meetings. Most educators are happy to do this as they would rather communicate with parents than not! Though this creates a longer schedule for teachers, it is important that both parents get the same information.
Some parents cannot be in the same room, or even in the same building together. Their constant battles end up coming to school as one parent, or both have expectations of how the school should manage the situation that may not be in the best interest of the student. In these situations, as educators, we have to play the mediator role. Educators may think this is not their job. Trying to support both parents and staying neutral is going to require setting boundaries and a lot of positive communication. At times, the arguments and intensity may be directed back at the school. We need to remember that this energy is misdirected and the parent is frustrated with the situation and not with us. This is a good time to remember not to take sides.
When both parents can attend the parent-teacher conference meeting, it is best that the teacher set some proactive guidelines before the meeting starts. Here are some words, phrases, and ideas that can support positive meetings:
- "While we are here, we are going to have a positive solution-based meeting."
- "I am here to support the student as best I can."
- "Let's find some common ground for all parties."
- "Let's stick to our schedule."
- "Let's stick to communicating progress on the student's goals."
- "I cannot take sides, but I can support you by…"
- "Let me see if I am understanding you correctly; I will summarize (or rephrase) what you said."
- Set up a specific time allotment for the meeting.
- Let parents know we may not be able to get to every topic today, but we can schedule another meeting.
- Schedule meetings and set goals for each meeting.
- Before the meeting, send out an agenda through email or a note home.
- Ask for topics that the parent would like to discuss prior to the meeting, heading off any controversy with a phone call or meeting prior to the parent-teacher conference.
- Take notes during the meeting that can be emailed, printed off, or given to both sets of parents.
- Be proactive with time by giving a five-minute warning before your next meeting starts, and you must move on (no matter if you have a meeting or not). Sometimes splitting a meeting into two separate times can be more fruitful.
4 - Sending Homework and Information Home and Making Sure Both Parents Get It
Information going home, like homework, needs to be consistent between the two homes. One of the biggest arguments against schools, and subsequently teachers, is that the parent is not getting informed like their ex-spouse. Some of us would like to tell the parents to get along and communicate with one another, but that most likely won't happen. Sadly, there are family situations, especially those involving a history of abuse, where the parents should not be communicating or sharing information. As educators, we must then think of ways to remedy this situation for the sake of the student's success.
Homework packets for two households may seem ludicrous, but it is one solution when a student has parents with a toxic relationship. Making sure each parent has access to the curriculum and the education of their child is imperative. Here are a few more ideas to support divorced families with information and homework.
- Dedicated homework time in both households
- Use an app similar to Remind that communicates homework or information going home to all involved parties.
- Make double copies of all information going home: two packets of information, one for each parent.
- Put homework and other documents online on a cloud platform like Google Docs so it can be accessed by both families
- Make homework consistent so it can be done easily in both homes (i.e., 20 minutes of reading, 10 minutes of math facts, etc.)
- Phone calls, emails, and face-to-face communication with both parents (including both parents on the same email so they read the same message)
5 - Behavior Strategies to Use at School and at Home
Some students in divorced families show changes at school during periods of family conflict. It may present as inattentiveness, disruptions, tantrums, and more, and it will not look the same from one student to the next. What matters is that we notice the change and put a plan in place rather than assuming we know its cause.
Before any plan, there is the schedule itself. A predictable classroom is doing real work for a student whose home routine just changed. Same morning entry, same transition cues, same expectations every day. When two households run on different rules, school may be the only place the rules hold still, and that stability is worth protecting even on the days you are tempted to shuffle things around.
When these types of behaviors occur, as educators, we would like to meet with divorced parents together to create a plan. Understandably, we cannot meet with some parents as it is too toxic between them. One parent may be holding the other parent responsible for their child's inappropriate behavior.
We have to objectively let parents know that this is what we are seeing at school and also give them some insight into the frequency, duration, and intensity of the behavior.
We ultimately want to be able to create a behavior plan that uses the same phrases, strategies, and teaching points at school and in both homes. The consistency between both homes and school is crucial for this behavior plan to be successful. Using what works for parents in their households is a great place to start. Offering advice when there needs to be some compromise between the two homes becomes imperative for educators.
Here is a list of behavior strategies that can support a student in a divorced family situation
- Behavior contract
- MTSS/RtI Plan for behavior
- Incentivized goals
- Goal setting
- Meaningful work
- Mentor buddy
- 1:1 meetings
- Tracking behaviors: duration, frequency, intensity
- 10:2 Strategy (10 days with 2 minutes of positive communication)
6 - Involving Child Protective Services When Necessary
The appropriate state or local child protective services agency goes by a different name depending on where you teach. CPS, DCF, DHS, DSS, and DCFS are all in use. Whatever it is called in your area, the agency typically has a negative reputation, mostly because they have a hard job of keeping kids safe. They sometimes have to remove a child from a family, and this can be difficult for everyone involved.
What we do not talk a lot about is the school's viewpoint on this topic. Educators should follow their state's mandatory-reporting law and district procedures for suspected child abuse or neglect. Which personnel are covered, what meets the reporting threshold, which agency receives the report, and how quickly it must be filed all vary by state. This can be difficult for educators as we think about the ramifications if the family finds out we made the call. We worry both about the relationship we have with the family and any repercussions to the student.
Many schools have a counselor and principal available to talk an employee through a report, and that support is worth using. It is not a filtering process, and it is not an approval step. In states where an educator holds an individual mandatory-reporting duty, internal consultation does not supersede state reporting law or the timelines it sets, and a required report should not be delayed while you seek guidance in the building. We need to remember as educators, we are not responsible for investigating the situation, but we are responsible for reporting it as our state law requires.
Let's be clear, abuse in families is found in all types of households, not just with divorced families. When we suspect a student is being neglected or abused, we must step in and make the call. We must continue to team with our colleagues and the appropriate agency to support students for their success.
7 - Managing and Facilitating Parent Visitations at School
Parent visitations can occur at all times of the day and any day of the year. Some court orders limit or prohibit one parent from meeting at the school, place restrictions on which days a parent can visit, or carry a protective order. Access to those documents and responsibility for interpreting them follow district procedures. Teachers should know the school-approved restrictions relevant to their own responsibilities, and administrators should handle ambiguous legal documents. Administration should manage parent access according to applicable court orders, state law, district policy, and safety procedures.
As an educator, being proactive and asking questions helps make sure these awkward situations are minimized. Here are several ideas you can use to support parents and children of divorced families.
- Special situations and guidelines put into your computer system (ie.., PowerSchool)
- Proactive calls ahead of time when you know both parents may attend school (especially with your most contentious parents)
- Phone calls or emails from the parent a day prior to their visitation
- Parent check-in with principal/administrator every visit
- Escalate safety concerns through your building's established school safety procedures, which govern when a school resource officer becomes involved
- Plan with administration for a parent who shows up unexpectedly
- Removing a parent from campus is an administrative and security decision, subject to school policy and applicable law
8 - Dealing with Custody Transitions Between Two Homes
When we work with divorced families, the most difficult aspect is dealing with custody transitions between homes. As educators, it seems each home can be vastly different in how they parent according to their accounts. We try to find common ground between the two homes and build on those areas.
Again, this may be a topic that educators think is out of their control, yet we have to work with the students every day. We know that if the student just transitioned back from mom or dad's house, then we must implement some interventions from our plan to help them regulate, or co-regulate.
Tracking what you observe is something we may put into a notebook to follow, but be careful to remain objective when writing the entry. Teacher records and testimony can become relevant in legal proceedings, so documentation should remain factual and follow school recordkeeping policies. Keep the entry to educationally relevant, objective information: name, date, time, location, behavior observed, trigger, and consequences given. Follow your district's recordkeeping and privacy procedures, and document only what is necessary for legitimate educational purposes. Routinely logging which parent's home a student stayed at creates sensitive records and implies a cause you have not established. Leave out your opinion on what you think happened and why, or your opinion on who has the better household for the kids. This is not our job as an educator, even if the parent is a good friend. School officials must remain impartial and not pick sides. Also, by taking sides as a school official, you may find yourself in litigation yourself.
Here are some ideas to support a student who is having difficulties with transitions between households.
- Know the school-approved restrictions that apply to your own responsibilities, and route questions about custody documents to administration
- List of interventions you can use to support the student when they are having a tough time transitioning (meaningful work job, reading to buddy class, delivering stuff, flexible seating, counselor, earning time with buddy, etc.)
- Parent meeting on observed behaviors
- Get principal involved in meetings if your attempts as a teacher are not working
- Goal setting with student and parents
- Incentivized rewards for successful transitions
Don't Forget the Student in the Middle of It
Teaching students from divorced families is mostly about managing adults. That is where most of a teacher's time goes, and it is where the school has the least room to get things wrong. But the student is sitting in your room through all of it, and a few small things make a measurable difference.
Short private check-ins work better than long ones. A quiet question at the door, asked the same way most mornings, gives a student a low-stakes chance to say something is wrong without making a scene of it. Listen more than you advise. You are not the therapist here, and you do not need to be. Your job is to notice and to route.
Know where the referral goes before you need it. A school counselor, social worker, or student welfare coordinator can do things a classroom teacher cannot, and the handoff is much faster when you already know who to call and what your building's process is. Ask now, not during the crisis.
One boundary worth naming: don't question students to gather information for a custody dispute. Even a well-meant question puts a child in the position of reporting on a parent. If a student discloses a safety concern or possible abuse or neglect, follow your state's mandatory-reporting requirements and district procedures.
Check Your Assignments for Two-Parent Assumptions
Some standard classroom material quietly assumes one house and two married parents. Family tree projects, Mother's Day and Father's Day cards, "bring a parent to school" events, autobiography prompts about home. None of these need to be canceled. They need a second option offered to everyone, not just to the student you think needs it.
A family tree becomes a chart of important people in your life. A Father's Day card becomes a card for someone who takes care of you. Offering the alternative to the whole class costs nothing and spares a student from having to raise a hand and explain their family to twenty-five peers.
Supporting a Student in a Divorced Family
It may seem our job continues to change as an educator. We know many of our teachers did not have to worry about divorced families when we were attending school. As family structures keep shifting, it is going to become even more imperative that we support students, and give support to the parents in these families.
Nothing is more difficult at school than dealing with a divorced family and observing as things become toxic. As you may have noticed in this article, the more we have to support families with communication and planning, the more we involve other agencies and school safety personnel to support us. Our first priority is to make sure our school is safe, and we may have to make some tough decisions in order to accomplish that. We know that ultimately the students lose if we cannot find a way to communicate in a civil manner. We want families to try the easiest interventions and strategies first. This all starts with communication.
We are here to support; come talk to us.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have to give both divorced parents the same information?
Usually, but it is not your determination to make. Under FERPA, both custodial and noncustodial parents generally have rights to a student's education records unless the school has evidence of a legally binding document or law that specifically revokes those rights, and state law can add requirements on top of that. Route records and access questions to administration or records staff rather than interpreting custody documents yourself.
Can I refuse to release a student to one parent at pickup?
Student-release rules depend on state law, court orders, school policy, your building's authorized-pickup records, and the safety circumstances in front of you. That is more than a classroom teacher can weigh at the door. If a parent arrives and you are unsure, route it to the office and let administration handle it. Do not make that legal determination alone in the pickup line.
What should I write down, and what should I leave out?
Record educationally relevant, objective facts: name, date, time, location, the behavior you saw, what preceded it, and what consequence followed. Leave out conclusions about why it happened and any assessment of either household. Teacher records and testimony can become relevant in legal proceedings, so documentation should remain factual and follow school recordkeeping policies.
Should I hold separate parent-teacher conferences?
Offer them when parents cannot be productive in the same room. It doubles your meeting load, so set a fixed time allotment for each and send the same agenda and the same notes to both. The point is that neither parent can later claim they received less information than the other.
Am I a mandatory reporter in a high-conflict divorce?
Follow your state's mandatory-reporting law and your district's procedures. Covered personnel, reporting thresholds, receiving agencies, and required timelines vary by state. Conflict between parents does not by itself meet a reporting threshold, so report suspected abuse or neglect rather than acrimony. A required report should not be delayed while you seek internal guidance, and you are responsible for reporting, not for investigating.
- Two households, one flow of information - Duplicate everything. Homework, notices, conference notes, permission slips. The most common complaint against schools in these situations is that one parent got less than the other.
- Access questions go to administration - Know the school-approved restrictions that apply to your responsibilities, and route custody documents and records requests to administrators rather than interpreting them yourself.
- Document facts, never conclusions - Teacher records and testimony can become relevant in legal proceedings. Record what you observed and when, follow district recordkeeping policy, and leave out opinions about either parent or which home is better.
- Neutrality is the job - Parents will push you to take a side, sometimes aggressively. That frustration is aimed at the situation, not at you. Taking a side can also put you in litigation.
- Predictability is an intervention - A classroom that runs the same way every day may be the only stable routine a student has while two households sort themselves out.
- Know your referral path in advance - Counselors and social workers can do things a classroom teacher cannot, and safety escalations follow your building's own procedures. Find out who to call and how the process works before a crisis forces the question.
Most of the hardest situations in this article eventually run past what a classroom teacher is trained or authorized to do. School counseling, social work, and educational leadership are separate professions with their own credentials. Teachers interested in school counseling, social work, or educational leadership should check their state's specific degree, preparation, licensure or certification, and experience requirements. The programs on this page include options built for working teachers.
As a 5th grade teacher, in 2010 Jon won the Presidential Award for Elementary Math and Science Teaching (PAEMST). As a principal, his school won the 2012 Blue Ribbon Award. In 2018, he won the National Distinguished Principal Award (NDP). In 2019 he won the National No Kid Hungry Breakfast Hero Award.
Jon is the author of three guides published on teacher.org: An Educator's Guide to Combat Bullying & Bully Prevention; Teacher Evaluation: A Transition Guide to Exemplary Performance; and You are the Wild Card: Infusing Fun Back into Curriculum. He has authored a children's picture book that was released January 2019 titled Benjamin’s Visit to Principal Reads Office…again! (available at www.archwaypublishing.com)
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