Power Struggles With Students: 5 Ways to Stay Calm
Power struggles with students end fastest when you stop competing for the win. Drop your volume, slow your speech, use fewer words, and give the student a way to save face. Pushing harder can contribute to the next standoff starting at a higher level of escalation.
We have all been there. You are teaching a powerful lesson, kids are participating, objectives are being met, and then you ask a student to answer a question, perform a task, or help with a job, and you are met with silence. You feel it-that slow burn in the pit of your stomach. You decide to try ignoring it and will come back and check in a few minutes. Hoodie goes on, head goes down, and you think, "Nothing has happened; he was fine ten minutes ago. He's just being difficult and shouldn't be." On you go with your lesson, and as you move through the room, you circle back around to Mr. Hoodie, only to be met with complete shutdown. No response to any prompting you are providing. That slow burn starts to bubble. You push harder, begin making demands like, "Take your hoodie down-I need an answer from you". This pushing goes on for two more minutes-which of course feels like two hours- and suddenly Mr. Hoodie explodes. He kicks his desk, slams his hand down on the table, tells you, "No", or "Leave me alone".
Just like that, you are in a power struggle.
Now what? Do you push? Do you hold him accountable? If you don't, the others will see that you do not have control here, and it could lead to other issues later with other students. These are the situations we face every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. Students come to us more and more with lots of "stuff" that we cannot control or fix for them. We cannot control how much sleep they got the night before, or if they had dinner, or if a safe adult is at home with them. A lot of our students come to us like a can of soda. They may look perfectly fine on the outside, but they were shaken before they came to us, and once we flip the can top, the soda inside will explode and spray everywhere. Kristin Souers, author of Fostering Resilient Learners: Strategies for Creating a Trauma-sensitive Classroom, describes letting that need for control go and instead focusing on how we influence our classroom environment. The reality is that the change needs to start with us.
1. Build Strong Relationships with Your Students
This sounds obvious, but when our students truly believe that we understand and know them, they will add you to their sometimes-short list of safe people. Once you are on that list, when you ask seemingly innocent questions, they will be more likely to answer that they are overwhelmed or in shut-down mode, rather than not answer at all or respond with inflammatory responses.
2. Use Fewer Words
When a student's soda can has exploded, if you launch into a lecture or use a lot of words, the power struggle will grow like a wildfire. Your best strategy here is to simply pause, take a deep breath, and stop talking. Silence is golden. Additional talking or demands can sometimes intensify the interaction.
3. Talk with a Quieter Tone
When you are ready to speak, do it softly. Some students with trauma histories may be especially sensitive to raised voices, abrupt movements, or other cues they perceive as threatening. By taking deep breaths, pausing to formulate what you need most of all out of this exchange, planning the few words you need to deliver the message, and then delivering them quietly, the student is more likely to respond positively. They may feel less threatened by the exchange.
4. Talk Slowly
A faster rate of speech makes our voice rise in pitch, and students who are exploding can be triggered by that. Speaking slowly and calmly can help reduce stimulation and may support de-escalation.
5. Have Empathy
Many times, I have been called to a classroom to help defuse a situation with a student who is exploding. When I enter, I move slowly to the student, and when I begin talking with him or her, I never start with, "What's going on?" Or "What's wrong?" Shaken soda-can-kids hear, "This is all your fault. What are you doing?" Or "You are in trouble now", and it can be very inflammatory and create bigger behaviors. Instead, I start with naming emotions. I might say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. You look frustrated, can I help you?" Stay away from general emotions (mad, upset, sad) at first; they tend to send the message that you do not know what is going on with them. Being specific and giving them a chance to tell their story goes a long way. By extending grace and letting them know you will give them some time to explain what they are feeling and that you will remain calm in their chaos to help them get through it goes a long way in helping a child feel safe in a potentially very scary event. A kinder student once yelled at me when I told her it would be okay, "No, it won't!" and her event got bigger. That showed me how scared and end-of-the-world feeling this was for her. I chose to simply quietly say, "I know it feels that way. It will be okay, and I will stay by you until it is." After simply sitting by her and telling her how proud I was of her for trying to use her strategies, she could start taking deep breaths. If I had chosen to remove her from class, or lecture her, or engage in some form of anger response, this explosion would not have ended as quickly or as peacefully as it did. A little bit of grace and a little bit of empathy go a long way for kids struggling to appropriately communicate their frustrations. For those not quite ready to talk, we have strategies in place such as walking a couple of laps around the school or designated area, or moving to a calming corner of the classroom until they are ready.
Those are examples of individualized supports rather than universal de-escalation practices. Student movement, leaving the classroom, and the use of calming spaces should follow your school or district's supervision and safety procedures, along with any applicable Individualized Education Program, Section 504 plan, or behavior intervention plan.
Once a student can process through what triggered them and they can talk it out, they can return to the task and be more likely to complete it. If we can stay regulated in sometimes very difficult situations, we are more likely to reach and then get back to teaching our students.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is a power struggle in the classroom?
A power struggle is what happens when a teacher tries to force compliance and a student digs in to protect some sense of control. It usually starts small, with a direction the student ignores, and grows because both people are now trying to win instead of solve the problem. From the outside, the behavior looks like defiance. Apparent defiance can have many causes, including overwhelm, frustration, skill deficits, environmental factors, or other unmet needs.
Why does winning a power struggle make the next one worse?
If pushing hard is what finally ends the standoff, that can teach the student where the exit is. The next time a direction lands, they can start closer to that point instead of working up to it, which is one reason the same student can seem to escalate faster as the year goes on. Ending the episode and teaching a better response are two different jobs, and only the second one may reduce how often this happens.
How do you give a student a way out without losing authority?
When appropriate, offer two acceptable choices while following any individualized student plan. "You can start at your desk or at the back table" hands the student the one thing they were fighting for, which is a say in something. A short delay can do the same work. Telling a student you will check back in three minutes is not a concession; it is a schedule. An Individualized Education Program, Section 504 plan, behavior intervention plan, disability-related need, or safety situation may instead call for a break, a modified task, or another support.
Should you handle it in front of the whole class?
Usually not. An audience raises the cost of backing down for the student, and for you, so a quiet word beside the desk tends to end things faster than a public correction. The rest of the room is watching how you treat a kid who is struggling, which matters more to them than who won.
What should you do after the student has calmed down?
Come back to it later, once nobody is activated. Two minutes on what set it off, what the student needed, and what you will both try next time is where much of the learning happens. Skipping that step can make it more likely the next episode starts from the same place this one did.
- Nobody really wins a power struggle - forcing compliance can contribute to a student opening the next standoff at a higher level of escalation.
- Relationships do the preventive work - a student who counts you as a safe adult is more likely to tell you they are overwhelmed instead of shutting down.
- Fewer words, quieter, slower - lowering your volume and your rate of speech may do more to settle a situation than a demand will.
- Name the feeling, not the behavior - "you look frustrated, can I help?" opens a door that "what's wrong?" tends to close.
- Give a real choice - two options you can accept either way, offered in line with any individualized student plan, can return the bit of control the student was fighting for.
- Finish the conversation later - the repair talk after everyone is calm may help reduce the chance the next episode starts in the same spot.
Many educators seek additional training in behavior support and de-escalation. The sponsored programs listed on this page include coursework in trauma-informed practice and classroom behavior support, with online and hybrid options built for teachers already carrying a full load.
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